So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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