Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
