awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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