I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
