Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
