dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
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I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
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Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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