you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
