Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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