You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
