so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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