I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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