i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
