Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
