Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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