I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
then he tried to convert me to islam
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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