Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
i think i have two assholes
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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