He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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