I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
