The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
