After last night, I could never be a politician.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
