I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
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The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
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I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
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