Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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