Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
