I wish my penis had an off switch
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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