Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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