We named our party play list daddy issues
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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