Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Your cock deserves a montage
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Randomize
