Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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