I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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