forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
