He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
