So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
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If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
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No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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