A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
