i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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