Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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