Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
The struggles of a small town man whore
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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