I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
