i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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