You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
