The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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