Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Randomize
