I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
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I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
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Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
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