Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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