I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize