we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
