I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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