Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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