If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
