I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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