Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
