I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
