John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
