sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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