I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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