My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
ugly people sure do ruin things
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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