You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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