So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Randomize
