My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
The Olympian is in my bed
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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