you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
